Me Be VeG

Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

If:

1. I am doing something for fun, and…
2. It STOPS being fun, and…
3. I don’t HAVE to do it, then…

I’m going to STOP.

Why didn’t I think of this sooner? Ahh, live and learn.

I’ve heard people say this sometimes after traumatic events. When there wasn’t anything they could do to make the situation better, but they were able to live through it. That was how today felt. And what was the reason for the day of shit? I don’t know.

Today was just one of those days that started out terrible and just got worse. It had nothing to do with the events, it was pretty much like any other day. But I just had that feeling of dread, of annoyance, of anger and crabbiness. No, this is not related to “women’s issues”  so take your thoughts away from that area. I didn’t even want to listen to music today, and that’s not like me. That’s when I know it’s different. It feels like things are slipping away, like I’m being pulled by the current in a direction opposite of where I want to go and I can’t get out of the surf. It’s like it’s out of my control. I don’t like not being in control. And I don’t like not knowing the cause of this loss of control. Even the thought of hope isn’t giving any comfort. I’m not sure what this means, but I *hope* it isn’t permanent.

I survived the day, and at this point that’s pretty much all I can ask. I can hope (there’s that word again, the one I’m unsure about) that tomorrow will be better and the sound of other people’s voices will not annoy me and music will not make me want to scream. Sometimes, it’s the most basic thing that I need to focus on. To survive, to not give up. Sometimes, that’s all I can ask.

I’ve been without a vacuum for almost 2 weeks. My brother just bought a house and didn’t have a vacuum, and I let him borrow mine. Well, I didn’t realize I would be without a cleaning machine for so long. Two weeks and two shedding animals later, there appears to be little furry creatures that glide across the floor anytime there so much as a slight shift in air.

It. Is. Disgusting.

And, to top it all off, I’m in a major funk of non-cleaning proportions. I’m procrastinating the cleaning to write about procrastinating the cleaning. There, I admitted it. Ok, still doesn’t make me want to clean. I got so far as the kitchen and lost steam. Ph ph phooohh…

I HATE dirtiness. I’m, by all accounts, kind of a clean freak. Messy, I can handle. But not dirtiness. Ewwy. So those little furry dust balls that have accumulated over the last two weeks that I’ve been trying to ignore? They have to go…TODAY! At this point, if I could shave both my animals without them throwing a fit of biting and scratching, I would do it. And while I’m at it, maybe I’ll shave my own head. Ummm, it’s winter. I’d better rethink this show shaving nonsense.

Well, since the economic times have forced me to let my personal chef and cleaning crew go (haha), I best get back to the dusting and the scrubbing and the vacuuming. I mean, I have my vacuum back. At least I have that.

It’s officially no longer 2009, the shittiest year so far in my life. I don’t know if 2010 will be any better, but I am keeping my fingers crossed. And since I don’t really make new year’s resolutions, I will instead have the goal of taking any and all events simply for what they are and to continue to hope. Hope for what? Well, true happiness. I know that sounds vague, but I want my default state to be happy and content.

So here’s to a year where no mistakes have been made yet, and any mistakes that are made do not have unresolveable repercussions. Oh, and HOPEfully there are some victories as well!

Lately, things have been tough. I’m just not happy where I am in my life, and I can’t quite put my finger on what’s bothering me. I think my coworker is getting annoyed with my attitude. At some point, I think she might actually throw something at me. Well… enough!

Today I choose to accept the person I am, exactly as I am RIGHT NOW!

Yes, I will continue to work on all the things I think need working on. I will continue to be reflective on my life so as to stay on the right path for me. But as of RIGHT NOW, I will NOT be negative about the person that I am. I have faults, I have flaws, but these things (along with all of my awesome qualities) make me, well… ME!

That is all.

A week ago today, Doc and I were laying on the bed watching TV. I don’t know if he heard a noise or I moved, but he whipped his head around and slammed it into my eye socket. I hear something go crack. I thought he’d broken my eye socket bone area. A half inch to the left and he would have broken my nose. I went to the bathroom to see the damage, and there was a trail of blood down my face. The eye socket bone had broken through the skin. It surprisingly didn’t hurt that much (after the initial slam), no headache, and it only hurt when I touched it. After a week, it’s nearly all healed. It isn’t my first injury, and it won’t be my last. (it’s the second time Doc’s given me a black eye. He’s all limbs and no coordination!)

A few days later, I had to go to the store for groceries and dog treats (yes, he injured me and I got him toys). I didn’t remember until afterwards that I had this gash on my face. I can’t imagine what people were thinking, but really, would I say anything to someone with a black eye?

Loyalty. One of the most important traits to me. To have the back of people you care about speaks more to a person’s character than almost anything else. Now I’m not saying to ignore their mistakes or believe everything they say without question. No no no. When the chips are down and you turn your back on me, well, that speaks volumes. I will do everything I can to give you the benefit of the doubt, but if you can’t give anything in return, then there is a problem. (And, the problem isn’t mine.)

But on to better things. And by “better”, I mean the edible kind that doesn’t arrive in an unmarked package without a return address. haha! 4 more days until New Moon and 5 more days until V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N!

That is all.

Ok, I’ll be the first to admit I’m not he most confrontational person. In fact, there have been many times I’ve run from things I should have faced head-on. But I would like to think as I get older, I’ve learn to deal with things and learn to move past them. It isn’t always easy (actually, usually it’s a pain in the arse) but it’s better than avoiding life all together.

Sometimes, however,  it isn’t in my control whether or not to deal with something head-on. Or from the side. Or at all. And since I know it is out of my control (well, not entirely but the alternative would have some nasty consequences) I just need to be patient. Again, not something I am very good at but I am getting better at it with age.

So what am I doing instead? Well, I’ve started Twilight again. Yes, I know I said it was like heroin and I could never pick it up again because it would trigger the addiction. But at this point, I will take that happy, fake feeling I have when reading this series. It just makes me happy. I can escape into a world that doesn’t exist but where everything works out in the end. So what if it’s not real. At this point, I will take it.

I will also be attempting to make bread and vegan pepperoni. I miss pepperoni pizza, and since I’m getting much better with pizza, I need my pepperoni fix. (I also need to add veggies.. but I feel like it ruins the pizza by making it healthy! Sick, I know…). I did find vegan pepperoni online, but it is so damn expensive, I decided to try to make my own. If I fail, then I’ll make the purchase. Who knows, maybe my homemade stuff will be amazing!

As for the wanting to deal with stuff but feeling like I’m idling, well, let’s just say I’ve been through worse. I’ll take the idling…

These past few weeks have been… stressful. Not the worst I’ve ever had, more just a lot of information to take in and not understanding any of it. So I go over and over and over it in my mind. Ahh, nothing I want to bore anyone with, just a lot to take in.

I have a TON of photos on my camera of things I’ve made these last weeks that I want to get out there. Mostly, though, I’ve been living off vegan burritos and homemade pizza, bananas and oatmeal. I think I’m getting over my pizza cravings I’ve had over the last 2 years (since going veg). Dough has never been my strong suit, so the fact I am now making edible pizzas with edible dough, that’s says something! I will have to do a post on this.

Otherwise I’m been spending super amounts of time with my babies, Bella and Doc. I don’t know what it is, but I feel this need to just absorb them as much as possible. I know I am so fortunate to have these two in my life. I’m an animal lover through and through, and I’d love to meet someone who loves the animals as much as me.

So instead of uploading photos, I think I’ll go snuggle with my Doc for a little while. He “helped” me haul some brush earlier today and is exhausted. And by “helped”, I mean I would construct the piles to haul, and he would do his darnedest to deconstruct them and scatter across the back yard. Wow, I love the pooch!

Since going to the 5-day work week, and Ash-pea switching her work week, I’m rarely in the office by myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love my 5-day work week, the days are shorter and I feel like I actually have a whole week, instead of a 3-day weekend and 4-day overloaded work week, nothing in between. So anyways, it’s a real treat to have the office to myself. I feel free to be creative without anyone looking over my shoulder or interrupting my flow. Yes, I know it’s an office and the phone rings and people talk and emails *ding* in, but it always feels more calm when I’m here by myself. I can listen to any music I want and sing if I feel inspired. Haha, that’s actually quite often.

Last night I FINALLY got around to blanching and freezing all those carrots and tomatoes, AND I had forgotten I didn’t have any lunches for today and tomorrow, so I decided to make tofu scramble (v.1.3) at 9pm last night. Oh, the house smelled amazing with fresh mushrooms and peppers. Yowza! Now I just need to upload those photos of the new scramble.

Lalala back to singing…