Me Be VeG

Archive for January, 2010

I’ve heard people say this sometimes after traumatic events. When there wasn’t anything they could do to make the situation better, but they were able to live through it. That was how today felt. And what was the reason for the day of shit? I don’t know.

Today was just one of those days that started out terrible and just got worse. It had nothing to do with the events, it was pretty much like any other day. But I just had that feeling of dread, of annoyance, of anger and crabbiness. No, this is not related to “women’s issues”  so take your thoughts away from that area. I didn’t even want to listen to music today, and that’s not like me. That’s when I know it’s different. It feels like things are slipping away, like I’m being pulled by the current in a direction opposite of where I want to go and I can’t get out of the surf. It’s like it’s out of my control. I don’t like not being in control. And I don’t like not knowing the cause of this loss of control. Even the thought of hope isn’t giving any comfort. I’m not sure what this means, but I *hope* it isn’t permanent.

I survived the day, and at this point that’s pretty much all I can ask. I can hope (there’s that word again, the one I’m unsure about) that tomorrow will be better and the sound of other people’s voices will not annoy me and music will not make me want to scream. Sometimes, it’s the most basic thing that I need to focus on. To survive, to not give up. Sometimes, that’s all I can ask.

It just occurred to me that I started this blog to talk about vegan-ness and recipes and things. Wow, I’ve gotten off track. Also, I haven’t been cooking very much lately, so that might also have something to do with it…

Back to basics. Back to cooking. Backing to actually making food instead of just heating it up or eating it out of the can. I think I used to enjoy cooking.

Now, what to make…

I’ve been without a vacuum for almost 2 weeks. My brother just bought a house and didn’t have a vacuum, and I let him borrow mine. Well, I didn’t realize I would be without a cleaning machine for so long. Two weeks and two shedding animals later, there appears to be little furry creatures that glide across the floor anytime there so much as a slight shift in air.

It. Is. Disgusting.

And, to top it all off, I’m in a major funk of non-cleaning proportions. I’m procrastinating the cleaning to write about procrastinating the cleaning. There, I admitted it. Ok, still doesn’t make me want to clean. I got so far as the kitchen and lost steam. Ph ph phooohh…

I HATE dirtiness. I’m, by all accounts, kind of a clean freak. Messy, I can handle. But not dirtiness. Ewwy. So those little furry dust balls that have accumulated over the last two weeks that I’ve been trying to ignore? They have to go…TODAY! At this point, if I could shave both my animals without them throwing a fit of biting and scratching, I would do it. And while I’m at it, maybe I’ll shave my own head. Ummm, it’s winter. I’d better rethink this show shaving nonsense.

Well, since the economic times have forced me to let my personal chef and cleaning crew go (haha), I best get back to the dusting and the scrubbing and the vacuuming. I mean, I have my vacuum back. At least I have that.

It’s officially no longer 2009, the shittiest year so far in my life. I don’t know if 2010 will be any better, but I am keeping my fingers crossed. And since I don’t really make new year’s resolutions, I will instead have the goal of taking any and all events simply for what they are and to continue to hope. Hope for what? Well, true happiness. I know that sounds vague, but I want my default state to be happy and content.

So here’s to a year where no mistakes have been made yet, and any mistakes that are made do not have unresolveable repercussions. Oh, and HOPEfully there are some victories as well!