Me Be VeG

If:

1. I am doing something for fun, and…
2. It STOPS being fun, and…
3. I don’t HAVE to do it, then…

I’m going to STOP.

Why didn’t I think of this sooner? Ahh, live and learn.

The weather has warmed, the ground thawed, the last of the snow fallen (we hope!) and my mind has been steadily focused on my garden this year. It started with garlic and winter onions and strawberries (that went in last fall and started popping out of the ground as soon as the snow melted) and has progressed into, well, the usual.

I buy plants/seeds/dirt/pots and just have a go of it. I don’t really plan much beyond I want to keep in the garden and will do anything to make that happen. This year a maaaay have gone a bit overboard with the plants, but seriously, it was for a good cause: my happiness.

My papa isn’t much help to stop me as he is feeding my gardening addiction with more raspberry plants, strawberry plants, asparagus, blackberries, grapes, gooseberries, black raspberries, and a bunch of unidentified seeds that were tossed in the mix. He’s also building me a grape trellis this year, so I’ll be making my own wine in no time! In all honesty, though, I love my papa and can’t wait to share the fruits of our shared labor with him. Lots of yummy jams, soups and maybe some fruit leather is in his future!

I haven’t taken any photos yet. I know, I know. It’s just that most of the last 2 weeks, my hands have been covered with black dirt. Even after multiple showers, I can’t get the dirt out from under my nails. I think I’ve just resigned myself to dirty fingernails until fall, which is fine by me since then I have a good reason to stop biting my nails… EWW! Ok, so back to these photos. I will take some when the rain lets up. I planted all day today, and was soaked straight through to my skivvies. (Yeah, don’t think about that one too long… trust me.)

The best part? This year I’ve taken a MUCH greater liking to flowers. Ok, let’s be honest, I went a little flower-crazy! They were all just so pretty, and there’s nothing like waking up early to water the flowers and plants and watch them perk up, ready for a day in the sun. My bungalow has become a planting extravaganza, and I couldn’t be happier.

Now, off to take another shower and hope clean skin is under there somewhere. I guess there is just something about really digging in the dirt and mud that makes this girl giddy with anticipation… for sprouts, for plants, for life, for hope.

I’ve heard people say this sometimes after traumatic events. When there wasn’t anything they could do to make the situation better, but they were able to live through it. That was how today felt. And what was the reason for the day of shit? I don’t know.

Today was just one of those days that started out terrible and just got worse. It had nothing to do with the events, it was pretty much like any other day. But I just had that feeling of dread, of annoyance, of anger and crabbiness. No, this is not related to “women’s issues”  so take your thoughts away from that area. I didn’t even want to listen to music today, and that’s not like me. That’s when I know it’s different. It feels like things are slipping away, like I’m being pulled by the current in a direction opposite of where I want to go and I can’t get out of the surf. It’s like it’s out of my control. I don’t like not being in control. And I don’t like not knowing the cause of this loss of control. Even the thought of hope isn’t giving any comfort. I’m not sure what this means, but I *hope* it isn’t permanent.

I survived the day, and at this point that’s pretty much all I can ask. I can hope (there’s that word again, the one I’m unsure about) that tomorrow will be better and the sound of other people’s voices will not annoy me and music will not make me want to scream. Sometimes, it’s the most basic thing that I need to focus on. To survive, to not give up. Sometimes, that’s all I can ask.

It just occurred to me that I started this blog to talk about vegan-ness and recipes and things. Wow, I’ve gotten off track. Also, I haven’t been cooking very much lately, so that might also have something to do with it…

Back to basics. Back to cooking. Backing to actually making food instead of just heating it up or eating it out of the can. I think I used to enjoy cooking.

Now, what to make…

I’ve been without a vacuum for almost 2 weeks. My brother just bought a house and didn’t have a vacuum, and I let him borrow mine. Well, I didn’t realize I would be without a cleaning machine for so long. Two weeks and two shedding animals later, there appears to be little furry creatures that glide across the floor anytime there so much as a slight shift in air.

It. Is. Disgusting.

And, to top it all off, I’m in a major funk of non-cleaning proportions. I’m procrastinating the cleaning to write about procrastinating the cleaning. There, I admitted it. Ok, still doesn’t make me want to clean. I got so far as the kitchen and lost steam. Ph ph phooohh…

I HATE dirtiness. I’m, by all accounts, kind of a clean freak. Messy, I can handle. But not dirtiness. Ewwy. So those little furry dust balls that have accumulated over the last two weeks that I’ve been trying to ignore? They have to go…TODAY! At this point, if I could shave both my animals without them throwing a fit of biting and scratching, I would do it. And while I’m at it, maybe I’ll shave my own head. Ummm, it’s winter. I’d better rethink this show shaving nonsense.

Well, since the economic times have forced me to let my personal chef and cleaning crew go (haha), I best get back to the dusting and the scrubbing and the vacuuming. I mean, I have my vacuum back. At least I have that.

It’s officially no longer 2009, the shittiest year so far in my life. I don’t know if 2010 will be any better, but I am keeping my fingers crossed. And since I don’t really make new year’s resolutions, I will instead have the goal of taking any and all events simply for what they are and to continue to hope. Hope for what? Well, true happiness. I know that sounds vague, but I want my default state to be happy and content.

So here’s to a year where no mistakes have been made yet, and any mistakes that are made do not have unresolveable repercussions. Oh, and HOPEfully there are some victories as well!

Lately, things have been tough. I’m just not happy where I am in my life, and I can’t quite put my finger on what’s bothering me. I think my coworker is getting annoyed with my attitude. At some point, I think she might actually throw something at me. Well… enough!

Today I choose to accept the person I am, exactly as I am RIGHT NOW!

Yes, I will continue to work on all the things I think need working on. I will continue to be reflective on my life so as to stay on the right path for me. But as of RIGHT NOW, I will NOT be negative about the person that I am. I have faults, I have flaws, but these things (along with all of my awesome qualities) make me, well… ME!

That is all.

I think I have an addictive personality. If something makes me feel good, even if the consequences are bad bad bad, I find myself wanting (and often pursuing) these things. These things run the gamut from exercise to food to people to tv to internet to music to life. It’s like tunnel vision, an all-or-nothing experience, and usually to save what sanity I have left, I HAVE to choose the “nothing”.

So a possible item on my “not for new years but it my goal is around that time” list is to find balance. Learn to stop before I have to quit completely. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?

You know who you are. Please get help.

(taken from wiki)

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.”^[1]

The narcissist is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige.^[2] Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness. It is also colloquially referred to as the god complex.

[...]

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

[...] /end

I hate it. I hate to compromise. I hate giving up on something I believe in and allow something I think it is wrong. I’m not talking about small things, those things I don’t look at as compromise, or at least not the same way. It’s easy for me to do something I don’t like if it makes someone else happy. What isn’t easy is to do something for one person that I KNOW will hurt another person, just to make person one happy. This is the situation I’m in right now.

These days, Thanksgiving isn’t about the first meal between the Native Americans and the pilgrims, sharing corn and laughs. I think we can all agree this is probably not how it went down. It also doesn’t really seem to be about giving thanks for the good things in our lives, although people do tend to throw that in at the end. No, this is about eating a dead bird. And this is something I do NOT support. At all. And I will not. I choose not to, and no matter what scenerio is brought in front of me, I can’t justify this act of betrayal.

And the “what” this thanksgiving dinner with my family.

I love my family more than anything in the world. They are good people. This year was going to be thanksgiving at my house, and I was ok with this. I can make amazing things like vegan pepperoni pizza and veggie burgers, desserts like brownies and cookies. Ok, so I’m not a traditionalist. But my brother told me yesterday he would not attend without the dead bird. So I said that’s fine, don’t attend.

And then I felt the guilt. Who am I to say he can’t eat his dead bird if he wants to. He doesn’t love animals, the environment or have a strong passion for much of anything. I love him so very much, but I am aware of the person that he is. This isn’t a judgement, or at least I don’t mean it to be. But it makes me sad to think about. He doesn’t love things, and this makes me sad. So I agreed to allow the dead bird in my house, to com… comp… compromise.

And I’ve felt sick ever since.

This “compromise” isn’t right. And animals shouldn’t live a life of pain and neglect and torture, and then be so gruesomely killed, so he can have an UNnecessary “tasty” meal. And I will not support it. So I made a counter offer to have dinner at my parents or out at a restaurant. I can suffer through watching him (or rather, all of them) eat the dead bird and dairy excretions (puss and blood and all), but I WILL NOT welcome this into my home. I spent the weekend hearing all about the horrible stalking and killing of innocent deer so these people could get their thrills. These people I love doing things I think is so very, very wrong. I was also witness to a bowl of dirty knives with pieces of said deer still on them and nearly vomited. I actually had to turn and hold my mouth while I dry-heaved. I don’t think I’ll be putting myself through this next year. I love my family, but it was too much.

I CAN compromise, but I don’t consider sacrificing my moral and ethical beliefs a “compromise”. Especially when it is completely and totally unnecessary. He doesn’t need the dead bird, and the lovely bird doesn’t need to die. It is a choice, the wrong choice, and I will not support it. I will not welcome it into my home.

And this is the first time, throughout this whole thing, that I no longer feel sick about my decision.