Me Be Vegan

I’ve heard people say this sometimes after traumatic events. When there wasn’t anything they could do to make the situation better, but they were able to live through it. That was how today felt. And what was the reason for the day of shit? I don’t know.

Today was just one of those days that started out terrible and just got worse. It had nothing to do with the events, it was pretty much like any other day. But I just had that feeling of dread, of annoyance, of anger and crabbiness. No, this is not related to “women’s issues”  so take your thoughts away from that area. I didn’t even want to listen to music today, and that’s not like me. That’s when I know it’s different. It feels like things are slipping away, like I’m being pulled by the current in a direction opposite of where I want to go and I can’t get out of the surf. It’s like it’s out of my control. I don’t like not being in control. And I don’t like not knowing the cause of this loss of control. Even the thought of hope isn’t giving any comfort. I’m not sure what this means, but I *hope* it isn’t permanent.

I survived the day, and at this point that’s pretty much all I can ask. I can hope (there’s that word again, the one I’m unsure about) that tomorrow will be better and the sound of other people’s voices will not annoy me and music will not make me want to scream. Sometimes, it’s the most basic thing that I need to focus on. To survive, to not give up. Sometimes, that’s all I can ask.

It just occurred to me that I started this blog to talk about vegan-ness and recipes and things. Wow, I’ve gotten off track. Also, I haven’t been cooking very much lately, so that might also have something to do with it…

Back to basics. Back to cooking. Backing to actually making food instead of just heating it up or eating it out of the can. I think I used to enjoy cooking.

Now, what to make…

I’ve been without a vacuum for almost 2 weeks. My brother just bought a house and didn’t have a vacuum, and I let him borrow mine. Well, I didn’t realize I would be without a cleaning machine for so long. Two weeks and two shedding animals later, there appears to be little furry creatures that glide across the floor anytime there so much as a slight shift in air.

It. Is. Disgusting.

And, to top it all off, I’m in a major funk of non-cleaning proportions. I’m procrastinating the cleaning to write about procrastinating the cleaning. There, I admitted it. Ok, still doesn’t make me want to clean. I got so far as the kitchen and lost steam. Ph ph phooohh…

I HATE dirtiness. I’m, by all accounts, kind of a clean freak. Messy, I can handle. But not dirtiness. Ewwy. So those little furry dust balls that have accumulated over the last two weeks that I’ve been trying to ignore? They have to go…TODAY! At this point, if I could shave both my animals without them throwing a fit of biting and scratching, I would do it. And while I’m at it, maybe I’ll shave my own head. Ummm, it’s winter. I’d better rethink this show shaving nonsense.

Well, since the economic times have forced me to let my personal chef and cleaning crew go (haha), I best get back to the dusting and the scrubbing and the vacuuming. I mean, I have my vacuum back. At least I have that.

It’s officially no longer 2009, the shittiest year so far in my life. I don’t know if 2010 will be any better, but I am keeping my fingers crossed. And since I don’t really make new year’s resolutions, I will instead have the goal of taking any and all events simply for what they are and to continue to hope. Hope for what? Well, true happiness. I know that sounds vague, but I want my default state to be happy and content.

So here’s to a year where no mistakes have been made yet, and any mistakes that are made do not have unresolveable repercussions. Oh, and HOPEfully there are some victories as well!

Lately, things have been tough. I’m just not happy where I am in my life, and I can’t quite put my finger on what’s bothering me. I think my coworker is getting annoyed with my attitude. At some point, I think she might actually throw something at me. Well… enough!

Today I choose to accept the person I am, exactly as I am RIGHT NOW!

Yes, I will continue to work on all the things I think need working on. I will continue to be reflective on my life so as to stay on the right path for me. But as of RIGHT NOW, I will NOT be negative about the person that I am. I have faults, I have flaws, but these things (along with all of my awesome qualities) make me, well… ME!

That is all.

I think I have an addictive personality. If something makes me feel good, even if the consequences are bad bad bad, I find myself wanting (and often pursuing) these things. These things run the gamut from exercise to food to people to tv to internet to music to life. It’s like tunnel vision, an all-or-nothing experience, and usually to save what sanity I have left, I HAVE to choose the “nothing”.

So a possible item on my “not for new years but it my goal is around that time” list is to find balance. Learn to stop before I have to quit completely. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?

You know who you are. Please get help.

(taken from wiki)

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.”^[1]

The narcissist is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige.^[2] Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness. It is also colloquially referred to as the god complex.

[...]

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

[...] /end

I hate it. I hate to compromise. I hate giving up on something I believe in and allow something I think it is wrong. I’m not talking about small things, those things I don’t look at as compromise, or at least not the same way. It’s easy for me to do something I don’t like if it makes someone else happy. What isn’t easy is to do something for one person that I KNOW will hurt another person, just to make person one happy. This is the situation I’m in right now.

These days, Thanksgiving isn’t about the first meal between the Native Americans and the pilgrims, sharing corn and laughs. I think we can all agree this is probably not how it went down. It also doesn’t really seem to be about giving thanks for the good things in our lives, although people do tend to throw that in at the end. No, this is about eating a dead bird. And this is something I do NOT support. At all. And I will not. I choose not to, and no matter what scenerio is brought in front of me, I can’t justify this act of betrayal.

And the “what” this thanksgiving dinner with my family.

I love my family more than anything in the world. They are good people. This year was going to be thanksgiving at my house, and I was ok with this. I can make amazing things like vegan pepperoni pizza and veggie burgers, desserts like brownies and cookies. Ok, so I’m not a traditionalist. But my brother told me yesterday he would not attend without the dead bird. So I said that’s fine, don’t attend.

And then I felt the guilt. Who am I to say he can’t eat his dead bird if he wants to. He doesn’t love animals, the environment or have a strong passion for much of anything. I love him so very much, but I am aware of the person that he is. This isn’t a judgement, or at least I don’t mean it to be. But it makes me sad to think about. He doesn’t love things, and this makes me sad. So I agreed to allow the dead bird in my house, to com… comp… compromise.

And I’ve felt sick ever since.

This “compromise” isn’t right. And animals shouldn’t live a life of pain and neglect and torture, and then be so gruesomely killed, so he can have an UNnecessary “tasty” meal. And I will not support it. So I made a counter offer to have dinner at my parents or out at a restaurant. I can suffer through watching him (or rather, all of them) eat the dead bird and dairy excretions (puss and blood and all), but I WILL NOT welcome this into my home. I spent the weekend hearing all about the horrible stalking and killing of innocent deer so these people could get their thrills. These people I love doing things I think is so very, very wrong. I was also witness to a bowl of dirty knives with pieces of said deer still on them and nearly vomited. I actually had to turn and hold my mouth while I dry-heaved. I don’t think I’ll be putting myself through this next year. I love my family, but it was too much.

I CAN compromise, but I don’t consider sacrificing my moral and ethical beliefs a “compromise”. Especially when it is completely and totally unnecessary. He doesn’t need the dead bird, and the lovely bird doesn’t need to die. It is a choice, the wrong choice, and I will not support it. I will not welcome it into my home.

And this is the first time, throughout this whole thing, that I no longer feel sick about my decision.

I love my Doc. He is sweetest 80lb dog who thinks he’s a lap dog. He’s also a VERY healthy chewer. Which basically translates to mean he needs to chew. Whether this is an intended toy of his or the corner of my bookshelf, he needs to chew on something. And not ONLY does he need to chew, but he has the need to chew with the goal of completely destroying whatever it is he is chewing. So the normal dog toys do not work, or they do not last long enough to justify the cost or mess they create.

The few I have found that Doc has not managed to destroy in under 10 mins is the Nylabone. I get the largest ones I can find, and Doc will naw on these for a long time. When he does finally widdle them down to a size that isn’t safe, I toss and get another.

I was at Fleet Farm last week, and found they have inexpensive bones, so I bought three. I presented all three to my Doc, thinking that he’d run off with one and I’d save the others for another time. Well, he tried to put all three huge bones in his huge alligator mouth. Needless to say it was sooo cute, I decided to let him have all three. (Yeah, I’m easy like that.)

I am on the VeganEssentials.com mailing list, and thank dog I am because last week they had a sale for Daiya vegan cheese. Now, I was skeptical about this cheese since no other vegan attempt at the regular dairy cheese has ever been the same. For the most part, that’s fine by me because I don’t need cheese. I used to think I couldn’t live without it, why I couldn’t go vegan, which was, of course, complete bullshit. There is no food I can’t live without, and there is DEFINITELY no animals excretion that I should consume. Ever.

The only exception I’ve found is pizza. I was never a big into pizza before going vegan. Don’t get me wrong, I liked pizza, but it wasn’t my go-to food. But after going vegan, cheese and pepperoni pizza is what I missed. It was bizarre how I would get a craving for this thing I was never really that into before. And it wasn’t until just a few months ago that I really made an attempt to make my own pizza. It was when I discovered Daiya cheese. It melts, it stretches, it fills that void I’ve had for cheese pizza. I bought a little of each to try, and it was amazing.

Last week, I bought some more. Hey, it was on sale and it freezes really well, so I ordered it on a whim. Since the company that sells it is in Wisco, I got it the next day. Of course I had to make pizza that night. A-mazing!

(and no animals were harmed in the making of this pizza, not even me!)